 |
||||
How To Have a Happy Thanksgiving Knowing how to diffuse tension will keep the holidays merry and bright 
Going to the annual family Thanksgiving gathering can seem like a scene from “Groundhog Day,” the Bill Murray movie. Even before crossing the threshold, you know your aunt will give you a hard time about your weight, or your brother will tease you about some blunder you committed 20 years ago. It is no wonder many people anticipate the upcoming celebration with a certain amount of anxiety. They may find some comfort in knowing that the tensions aren’t unique to any family. “No family is unique. Every family has these conflicts,” says Dr. Michelle B. Riba, clinical professor, department of psychiatry, University of Michigan Health System, Ann Arbor, Mich. But unlike the Murray character that is stuck reliving the same day countless times, the rest of us can hit the reset button. Although you’re unlikely to change other peoples’ behaviors, you can change yours. By identifying issues that bother you, such as insulting comments or nosy questions, you can defuse them, according to mental health experts. “Don’t wait for the usual affront, if you know it’s going to happen. Take control,” Riba says. For example, tell your aunt that your diet didn’t work this year. Solicit her advice. “When you ask for feedback it stops the question,” Riba says. It’s hard to duck intrusive inquiries, especially when they come from your parents, but your response will set the tone. Be positive, says Claudia J. Strauss, lecturer, Albright College, Reading, Pa. When your parents ask when you’re getting married, Strauss offers this: “I’m glad you asked me. I don’t have any good answers yet. When I do, I’ll share. Thank you.” The key to keeping the temperature low is to avoid hostile answers, according to Strauss. Friction is often the result of being forced into roles you’ve long outgrown. You’re successful in other parts of your life, but you’re still seen as the family failure at the Thanksgiving gathering. Those outmoded roles stick because family members have an investment in the status quo, according to Scott Wetzler, PhD, professor, department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, Montefiore Medical Center, Bronx, N.Y. “If you try to change the balance, they [family members] may try to squelch it,” says Wetzler, author of “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man (Touchstone, 1993). He’s skeptical that you can change long-held patterns and recommends lowering your expectations. However, others suggest a few suggestions. • Seek out your antagonist. “Lots of times you walk into a situation and want to avoid a person because of previous bad experiences. Seek the person out. Say how nice it is to see them. You’re non-demonizing the person,” Strauss says. • Start a new tradition, such as toasting family members, to bring a positive note to the occasion. “It appeals to the warm things in peoples’ hearts,” says Strauss, author of “Talking to Depression” (NAL Trade, 2004). • Switch places. Something as simple as taking a different seat at the table may have a positive effect. “Change your space and you change peoples’ attitudes,” Strauss says. Remember, it’s easy to become entangled in contentious conversations, especially when someone else thrives on them. You don’t have to be hostage to a topic that makes you uncomfortable, Riba says. But you can also change the subject in a way that doesn’t dismiss or judge the person who initiated it, says Strauss, an expert in family communication. She suggests saying something like, “why don’t we table that and pick it up later?” By doing so, “you’re helping people find a way of turning off. They may not have an off switch,” Strauss says.
|
||||
|
||||
Bev Bennett, a veteran food writer and editor, is the author of "Dinner for Two: A Cookbook for Couples" and "30-Minute Meals for Dummies"
