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Ready, Set ... Romance! Reconnecting after kids leave home can reinvigorate - and save - a stagnant marriage 
Kids take up a lot of space. Regardless of age, they fill the household with vibrant youth, not to mention belongings. Their activities keep the calendar filled. So when grown children move out on their own, most parents expect there will be a space that needs filling. What takes couples off guard is the distance between them within that space. For as much as kids form a bond between couples, they can also create a disconnect. As parenting becomes the main focus and commonality in the marriage, a couple may set their own needs aside and eventually lose sight of each other. Only when the kids are gone do they realize how far they have drifted. Alongside this realization come the role confusion and feelings of loss known as Empty Nest Syndrome. "The role shift and grief are different for a mom versus a dad. The experience is personal, and each person deals with it in different ways and at different paces," says Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services, Los Angeles. Ironically, making room for those differences may be necessary to cultivate closeness. "Let each person grieve in their own style. Just be patient and empathetic," Caine says. The first step in reconnecting is to express the desire to do so. "One big issue is that people think once the kids are gone, everything will just happen naturally because you have all this time and fewer distractions," says pastor Kerry Shook, co-author (with his wife of 25 years) of "Love at Last Sight: Thirty Days to Grow and Deepen Your Closest Relationships" (WaterBrook Press, 2010). "But what you'll find is if you don't get real intentional, you'll kind of just sit there and stare at each other." Emotional distance doesn't develop overnight, and it will likewise take some time to rebuild a connection. But there are small steps couples can take right away to affirm their commitment and start to feel closer. "Some couples start with game night and go from there," Caine says. The Shooks' 30-day program calls for a "technology fast" one night a week, so couples can focus in on each other and talk. Not every conversation needs to be serious - indeed, some should be playful - but early on, spouses need to express their desires as directly and specifically as possible. "It will feel weird at first," Shook says, "but you have to feel awkward and take emotional risks." In fact, risking awkwardness is a "relational art" that is necessary to repair and sustain meaningful relationships, he explains. 
Just because a couple spends more time together does not necessarily mean they'll grow closer. "Nothing just falls into place without planning," Shook says. Each person is not only responsible for communicating his or her needs but also for taking initiative to create opportunities so they can be met. Many empty nesters wish to become more intimate but are hampered by insecurities about their aging bodies. Simply acknowledging such vulnerabilities can create a sense of intimacy. "You can say, 'I'm not feeling good about my body right now but want to kick up our sex life,'" Caine says, and then follow through by booking an actual date. To bring priorities into focus, Caine recommends that each spouse draw a pie chart, or "circle of life," divided into eight sections: career, finances, partner, health, intellect, creativity, spirituality and fun. "Think about how much time you spend on each" and assign a percentage, she says. "It's not going to make sense; it's not going to add up to 100 percent. But it will give you a look at where you're spending your energy and time." "What this does in many cases is saves the other person from having to nag," Caine adds. "If you are honest, you will see without being told that maybe you're spending too much time at work and not enough time on your marriage. The question is, do you like it that way?" Creating a perfect balance is not the point and probably not even possible. "But you can make meaningful shifts," Caine says. When a relationship is on the mend, the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center advises against overly ambitious plans like traveling and volunteering together. The center suggests couples make some short- and long-term plans on how they will spend their money and time, and to list things they have never done but might enjoy trying. "Recreational compatibility" is important, Shook says, so couples should explore some new pastimes together. "Try something new because if one person is really good at something like golf or tennis and the other is just starting out, it doesn't usually work," he explains. Indeed, shared interests will need to be discovered or rediscovered. One spouse doesn't need to give up a hobby if the other doesn't enjoy it, but recruiting efforts should be avoided. "If your husband hasn't gardened with you the whole time you've been married, why would you expect him to start? If someone tells you in their 50s that they're not into something, they're not," Caine says. Couples may wish to resume activities they enjoyed before the kids came along. But reconnecting is not necessarily about rekindling youthful feelings and recreating the relationship as it used to be. "Relationships that endure are not about initial attractions," Shook says, "but about 'last things' - the experience you shared the last time you were with someone, the words you spoke, the efforts you made." |
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